Well after what was a good cry at an amazing song for Simons golden buzzer on Britain’s Got Talent the thinking started. I over think a lot, sometimes for good but mostly for bad. This time it was for good though. See link below:
The lyrics of that song just spoke to me and, probably many others for different reasons. For me it made me reflect on how lucky I am to be alive, how lucky I am to be happy and healthy, how lucky I am to have my whole future ahead of me and how lucky I am to be surrounded by my family and friends.
I’ve tried to end my life using various methods on more than several occasions. And do I regret it now? Well yes and no. No because at the time I felt so much relief at the thought of not being here. I was very low in mood and it seemed the only thing I could do to escape. I don’t regret it as that would somehow be brushing over how much I was suffering, as if I should have done something else at the time. I didn’t want to die I just didn’t want to live like I felt any longer. It just reflects how much I was feeling.
However! I do regret what I put my family and friends through, especially my family. I didn’t mean to or set out to hurt anyone but I guess our actions all have consequences for others. People say suicide is selfish, I disagree completely. I don’t think anyone could attempt suicide maliciously. To get to that point where you even consider taking your life is horrific!
“We’re the lucky ones” made me feel like the lucky one for once! The Dr asked me the other day if I was having any suicidal thoughts at the moment and it was only then that it hit me that I was having none at all. I usually always have at least fleeting thoughts that I know are just that. I felt shocked and scared. Shocked in a good way and scared as I immediately fear that they will return.
At the moment I couldn’t ask for more in life. Yes, I’m in hospital but I’ll find out where I’m moving onto this week hopefully and that will give me clarity. I don’t like being in hospital but being here has got me where I am today which is a good place so I’m lucky for that too! Would I swap everything that I’ve gone through in my life to end me up in a different place now? No! It might sound nice and appealing but I wouldn’t have met some amazing people and I hope I’m more empathetic to others because of what’s happened. It’s shaped who I am and I’m happy with that. That all makes me one very lucky girl!