Top five reasons I hated being on eyesight

1) The biggie; no bathroom privacy! And when you REALLY need to go it’s just the worst.

2) You never realise how much you’re never alone as when you want to fart. I generally cough really loudly and sneak a cheeky one in if I can!

3) Not being able to get to groups off the ward as there aren’t enough staff to escort you.

4) At night when you can’t have your door shut and someone’s shouting down the corridor so you can’t block them out and it’s really bright in your room as you’re not allowed to be in darkness.

5) Not being allowed alone to be with your friends or family that come to visit!

“We’re the lucky ones”

Well after what was a good cry at an amazing song for Simons golden buzzer on Britain’s Got Talent the thinking started. I over think a lot, sometimes for good but mostly for bad. This time it was for good though. See link below:

The lyrics of that song just spoke to me and, probably many others for different reasons. For me it made me reflect on how lucky I am to be alive, how lucky I am to be happy and healthy, how lucky I am to have my whole future ahead of me and how lucky I am to be surrounded by my family and friends.

I’ve tried to end my life using various methods on more than several occasions. And do I regret it now? Well yes and no. No because at the time I felt so much relief at the thought of not being here. I was very low in mood and it seemed the only thing I could do to escape. I don’t regret it as that would somehow be brushing over how much I was suffering, as if I should have done something else at the time. I didn’t want to die I just didn’t want to live like I felt any longer. It just reflects how much I was feeling.

However! I do regret what I put my family and friends through, especially my family. I didn’t mean to or set out to hurt anyone but I guess our actions all have consequences for others. People say suicide is selfish, I disagree completely. I don’t think anyone could attempt suicide maliciously. To get to that point where you even consider taking your life is horrific!

“We’re the lucky ones” made me feel like the lucky one for once! The Dr asked me the other day if I was having any suicidal thoughts at the moment and it was only then that it hit me that I was having none at all. I usually always have at least fleeting thoughts that I know are just that. I felt shocked and scared. Shocked in a good way and scared as I immediately fear that they will return.

At the moment I couldn’t ask for more in life. Yes, I’m in hospital but I’ll find out where I’m moving onto this week hopefully and that will give me clarity. I don’t like being in hospital but being here has got me where I am today which is a good place so I’m lucky for that too! Would I swap everything that I’ve gone through in my life to end me up in a different place now? No! It might sound nice and appealing but I wouldn’t have met some amazing people and I hope I’m more empathetic to others because of what’s happened. It’s shaped who I am and I’m happy with that. That all makes me one very lucky girl!

Hey big spender

I had this song on repeat in my head today so it seemed appropriate as the title for this entry. How come songs repeat in our heads?? It seems to be especially the ones you don’t want to hear as well. That’s by the by though so I’ll crack on! I’m always getting distracted as you’ll find out.

I struggle with money a lot and I don’t think it’s just because of my mental health problems; I’m really impulsive too and go for short term gratification over thinking into the future, planning and making sensible decisions. It doesn’t come naturally to me to not get what I want immediately. That makes me sound proper spoilt but it actually includes saving money up and waiting to get something and, losing weight fast enough not just materialistic things!

Recently, the past couple of weeks, I’ve been spending more than I usually would (and that’s saying something) on things I usually would think twice about buying. For example, a £99 teddy bear called Harry and an iPhone X 24 month contract. So I had next to nothing in my account and have borrowed just over £200 from my dad which I will be paying back. I find it embarrassing and degrading asking for money but when you’ve bills to pay, can’t balance your books appropriately and have nothing in your account you’ve got limited choices.

Today I had just over £3 in my account and had to pray that my card would go through for the £1.95 peppermint tea (my fave) I was purchasing! It shouldn’t be like this though; I should be in control. I’m not always in control though when it comes to excessive spending due to my mental health. £1000 mulberry handbags spring to mind. I have spent hundreds if not thousands on rubbish. Money I shall never get back unfortunately but that’s something I’ve got to learn to accept.

I’m currently in the process of reading several online guides on budgeting money and am going to have a drop in appointment at my local citizens advice.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/budgeting/budgeting/work-out-your-budget/

https://www.which.co.uk/money/money-saving-tips/budgeting/planning-a-budget/how-to-plan-an-effective-budget-anw359u2lct8

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/Budget-planning

https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/tools/budget-planner

I am also receiving emails from the Money and Mental Health Policy Institute which Martin Lewis launched. They have some tips and tricks to help people balance the books when suffering from mental health issues. I’ve also thought about creating a plan for when I’m not right that gives other people control over my money. In my case it would be my parents.

Mine and my sisters favourite film is Confessions of a Shopaholic which we seem to find more hilarious than the rest of the nation put together! But it teaches an important lesson; money problems usually lead to big issues which make people unhappy. I think I may need to watch that film just one more time..

Poetry

This is a poem I wrote whilst in PICU about PICU and yes I’m not exaggerating, there were rats in the courtyard! It’s in the style of the poem ‘Bloody Orkney’ by Hamish Blair.

This bloody units a bloody mare

No shampoo to clean your bloody hair

Life is just not bloody fair

In bloody picu

With everyday a bloody toil

Food all wrapped up in bloody foil

All radiators set to bloody boil

In bloody picu

The bloody corridors so bloody dingy

Doctors being so bloody stingy

All patients are so bloody wingy

In bloody picu

Medicated up to your bloody head

Only blankets on your bloody bed

No bloody butter only bloody spread

In bloody picu

Rats running round the bloody floor

Staff sitting at your bloody door

And oh what a bloody bore

In bloody picu!

Violated

I haven’t posted in a little bit as the week before last an incident happened that caused me to go down hill. A man from another ward that I’d known previously from a past admission to PICU last year started kissing me on the face and trying to kiss my lips then, kissed and touched my boobs in a deserted stairwell. I felt completely shocked and surprised and apart from pulling my head backwards to avoid being kissed on the lips I was frozen.

It didn’t sink in straight away what had happened but I later felt violated, confused, dirty, disgusting and frankly weird! He had asked me to go back to his ‘penthouse flat’ before and to give him my number but I had laughed both off. I told my dad who said to tell the staff so I let a nurse know. She asked if I wanted to inform the police and I initially said no as I was scared but then she asked me what I would have thought if it was my sister who this had happened to and then I felt anger. Anger and fury that someone would take advantage of me like that. I have never really been intimate with someone either before and I think that affected my psychologically. The police came within a few hours, took a statement from me and took away my jumper as evidence. They said it was a serious sexual assault.

Over the next few hours and days things seemed to hit me like a tonne of bricks. My mood seemed steady although in hindsight I think I dipped a little and, the man behind me returned a bit at first, just a presence behind me and then more strongly ending in him blowing and breathing on my neck and down my back. This was very distressing. I etched the words no into my chest with a razor and had thoughts of cutting off my boobs. I hope this is a normal way of thinking! I had thoughts to end my life and ended up on eyesight and two-to-one outside but still managed to abscond and end up trying to find Scammonden bridge. I’d researched this bridge and it has a high death toll and I know this sounds odd now but at the time I just wanted to say hello to it.

I regretted more and more telling the police as I just wanted to forget the whole thing but even though I rung the police to say I didn’t want to continue the complaint they still haven’t allowed me to get my parents to collect my jumper and move on. They also said that the man lacks capacity and it cannot be taken further. This left me with really conflicting feelings as on the one hand I was glad that it wasn’t being pursued but on the other hand that then made me really angry that he was getting away with it even though I wanted it to stop. What the mind does to you with thoughts is torturous!

What I have learnt from the wise old owl that is my father is that the law is there to protect people that lack capacity from being punished for crimes they wouldn’t otherwise commit and I myself fall into this category. I also know that “being angry with someone is like sentencing someone to prison but doing the time yourself”. I love this saying, it’s so true and one that I think everyone can learn from (especially me!!). Mentally I am doing a lot better now and am less afraid to go off the ward by myself even though I still haven’t been down ‘that’ staircase yet.

What this has taught me is that I lack strength and resilience. I can get better but anything traumatic that happens knocks me right back. This has happened a few times but I shall leave those for another day. We can always learn from Disney so in the words of Elsa I think I need to ‘Let It Go’. And hopefully soon my knitwear collection will be returned to full force. Fingers crossed..